Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Idle hands, after Pornhub, the streaming pornography service, announced a 6.3 percent increase in traffic from the Washington, D.C., metro area during the ongoing government shutdown.
Respect, after an Iowa man who won a single dollar from a scratch-off lottery ticket requested and received his winnings in the form of a giant novelty check. Winner Tyler Heep says that after the presentation ceremony at Iowa Lottery headquarters, he promptly blew his windfall on “half a gallon of gas.”
Passive aggression, after Louisiana Family Eyecare offered to “GLADLY provide no-cost eye exams to all NFL officials,” so other football fans don’t “feel our pain.” A blown pass-interference call in last week’s NFC championship game cost the New Orleans Saints a place in the Super Bowl.
Bad week for:
British eels, who are becoming “hyperactive” because of urinated cocaine entering the River Thames through the sewage system, according to new research. Scientists estimate about 80,000 “lines” of cocaine are entering the Thames per day.
Ambience, with KFC’s launch of a limited-edition gravy-scented candle. The “artisanal” candle supposedly replicates the “familiar and evocative” aroma of KFC’s signature gravy, a scent the company described as “staggeringly nose-stimulating.”
Wishful thinking, after Fox & Friends, President Trump’s favorite TV show, briefly posted a picture of liberal Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg captioned with the text “1933–2019,” suggesting she had died. Fox blamed “a technical error.”