"Donald Trump is obsessed with his staff leaking information," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "You know how I know that? His staff leaked that information to The New York Times. And now Trump is determined to stop it at all costs — in fact, West Wing aides are instructed to drop their personal phones into a small storage locker when they come to work. Wait a second! They're taking away the phones of everyone except Donald Trump? That's like saying, 'No one can bring knives to work — except you, O.J.'"
"Now if this sounds paranoid, it's only because it is," Colbert said. "Here's the thing: During the campaign, Trump aides were afraid that whatever they said to him would end up in the press, and behind his back they called him 'leaker in chief.'" He made a show of resisting the inevitable joke that just couldn't be contained: "More like 'leaker on sheets' — damn you, Satan!" Colbert had another faux-illicit pee-pee joke and ended up talking to an imaginary Trump on a banana, Trump-style. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert thinks he's figured out why Trump is helping China's ZTE, and it looks way worse than leaking
"There is just so much news coming out of the White House these days, and some of it they actually want you to know — that news is called leaks, and right now the Trump administration is obsessed with them," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Neither the White House nor staffer Kelly Sadler has publicly apologized for the leaked comment about Sen. John McCain "dying anyway," he noted. "In fact, White House officials seem more upset that the story leaked than that Sadler said it." How do we know that? It leaked.
"This White House is so leaky, there are even leaks about why they're leaking," Colbert said, running through some of the reasons — and how one leaker gets away with it by using other staffers' idioms in leaks to throw the White House off the scent. That leaker "added: 'Sad! Witch hunt! Fake news! I want to sleep with a porn star. I wish I was married to Sean Hannity,'" Colbert joked.
The president is incoherently furious, but "I don't get why Trump even cares about leaks, because these days he's not even trying to hide his dirt anymore," Colbert said. Everyone was baffled when Trump announced he's working to save "jobs in China" by helping phone maker ZTE, "the exact opposite of everything he has ever said — what's next, short ties?" he asked. But curiously "Trump tweeted out that announcement a mere 72 hours after the Chinese government agreed to put a half a billion dollars into an Indonesian project that will personally enrich — any guesses? — Donald Trump. He's not even trying to be subtle."
In case you didn't get the Sean Hannity joke, The Late Show re-created a bedtime conversation between Trump and the Fox News host.
And Deadpool's Ryan Reynold's interrupted the last part of Colbert's monologue and made telling Trump jokes look easy. Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump released a video to celebrate Mother's Day, and Stephen Colbert found something lacking. "Here's the thing: In this whole video, Donald Trump doesn't once mention any of the mothers of his own children — and there's a lot to choose from," he said on Monday's Late Show. Trump also tweeted about China on Sunday, and like many people, Colbert was baffled by Trump's tweet promising jobs to Chinese phone maker ZTE. "During the campaign, Trump wouldn't shut up about how America's jobs were being stolen by China," he said. "I can't wait for his next tweet: 'Have you heard about all the problems in Mexico? We've got to let these good people into our country. Build the ramp!'"
"ZTE is no friend of the U.S.," Colbert said. U.S. spy agencies accuse it of eavesdropping on America for China and it admitted to breaking U.S. sanctions against Iran and North Korea. He recapped Monday in Jerusalem, where the U.S. inaugurated a new embassy and Palestinians were killed en masse. "Now we've just got to destabilize Antarctica and we'll have global crisis bingo," he said.
The Late Show had a few more thoughts on moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem.
But while the world burns, Trump is finding comfort talking to Sean Hannity, according to a new profile in New York. "They're like the Gayle and Oprah of angry old white men," Colbert said. "So what do these lovable old codgers talk about?" Apparently, TV and media criticism, and anything else that helps Trump "decompress" after a day in the Oval Office, since he doesn't live with the first lady. Trump apparently calls during the day, too, then announces it to staff. "So after a cable news pundit talks to the president of the United States, it's the president name-dropping Sean Hannity?" Colbert asked. "That's like if Beyoncé bragged about meeting the Trivago guy." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert began Thursday's Late Show with an appreciative nod to the three Korean-Americans who landed in the U.S. early Thursday after being released by North Korea. "The president was there to meet the freed men, along with Melania — who is hoping to be freed next," he joked. "Trump made some brief remarks," and "all he had to do was not thank the murderous dictator who had imprisoned these men in a windowless black hole." He did. Kim "wasn't 'excellent' to them," Colbert said. "And you know the hint that he wasn't? They look happy to be with you."
"Of course, no Trump accomplishment would be complete without a little bragging about ratings," because "this is how history judges all presidential accomplishments: Did it do better than an infomercial for Slapchop?" Colbert said. "Some are attributing this diplomatic victory to Trump's plan to out-'crazy' North Korea," he added, slipping into Trump voice: "Thanks for releasing the hostages, Kim. Now I'm sending them back — didn't see that coming, all right? I've been eating paint chips."
"If Kim Jong Un wants insight into the president," Colbert said, he could just hire Michael Cohen. The payments to Cohen from a Russian oligarch and corporations Colbert talked about Wednesday were "just the tip of the bribeberg," he said. Cohen indulged in some "pretty bald influence-peddling," but he wasn't alone — one GOP consultant said that everyone was hiring "Trump whisperers" in 2017, Colbert said. "A Trump whisperer is like a dog whisperer because, well, there's a lot of indoor peeing and hitting with rolled-up magazines."
Colbert recounted some racial profiling incidents at Nordstrom Rack and Duke University. "We have see far too many of these types of stories popping up in recent months, which leads white people like myself to ask, 'What can we do?'" he said. His solution: a new segment, "Late Show Tolerance Tips." It was pretty comprehensive. Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, and Mike Myers have some fun with Dr. Bornstein's new Trump confession
Dr. Harold Bornstein, President Trump's former doctor, revealed Tuesday that he didn't actually write the unbelievably glowing letter he wrote about Trump's health during the campaign. "Bornstein now says the president dictated the letter directly to him," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "So he is a dictator!" He ran through the reason Bornstein is breaking his silence now, adding: "I have to say, I'm actually happy to see Dr. Bornstein back. I always love when a fun character from Season 1 pops up unexpectedly." He said Bornstein had agreed to a live interview, and he brought on Mike Myers doing an entertaining and slightly risqué Bornstein impersonation.
"Let's not rush to judgment — maybe Trump didn't write the letter," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "Let me try something, let's read the letter." And he did, in Trump voice. "Yeah, he did it," he decided, revealing other (fake) doctor's notes dictated by Trump. "Evidently, the letter could have been more glowing, because Bornstein said Trump 'dictated the letter and I would tell him what he couldn't put in there,'" Colbert said. He reminded people what was in the letter, then imagined what Trump wanted "that was too much for Bornstein." (Again, borderline NSFW.)
"You know who won't let Trump write the report for him? Robert Mueller," Colbert said, switching gears. "And things are getting testy between the special counsel and the president," with Mueller threatening to subpoena Trump and Trump's legal team leaking 49 questions they wrote based on Mueller's statements. "Those questions are made up — they're just Mueller fan fiction!" Colbert said, and he suggested why Trump's team would leak them. Trump more or less confirmed the speculation with his tweets, one incoherent and the other ending with a vow to "get involved" in Justice Department business. "Sir, you're already involved," Colbert said. "Technically, the defendant is the star." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert is really excited about one thing Trump's former doctor, Harold Bornstein, just revealed
White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson is not returning to his old job as President Trump's doctor after his VA secretary nomination failed. No, "he wants to spend more time with his family, lying about how much they weigh," Stephen Colbert joked on Tuesday's Late Show. "But there's an obvious candidate ready to step in," Trump's old physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein. Bornstein became famous after he wrote (well, wrote down) a one-page letter flamboyantly attesting to Trump's "amazingly excellent" health, but he ran afoul of the president after he told The New York Times that Trump takes Propecia to stimulate hair growth.
"Now, taking hair-growth drugs is not something Trump should be embarrassed about," Colbert said. "He should be angry that they do not work." Well, on Tuesday, Bornstein said that two days after he disclosed the Propecia use, Trump's bodyguard, lawyer, and a third guy "raided" his office and hijacked all of Trump's medical files. "Wait, they muscled their way into Trump's doctor's office to steal evidence that Donald Trump is going bald?" Colbert asked. "They know we can see, right? Are they also going to take away wind?"
The White House played down the news, but Bornstein said that he didn't get a signed authorization form to release Trump's records, in violation of patient privacy law, telling one reporter, "Sweetheart, this is Watergate, goodbye!" "Watergate?" Colbert asked. "Forget Propecia — when he says that, I feel like Bornstein just prescribed me Viagra." Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah and Seth Meyers slyly agree Michelle Wolf is 'filthy' and mean, mock Trump for taking umbrage
Michelle Wolf's jokes at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner drew sharp criticism from President Trump and his allies but also some pearl-clutching from the White House press corps. On Monday night, two of Wolf's former bosses, Trevor Noah and Seth Meyers, rolled their eyes. Noah went for understated sarcasm.
"We have a lot of laughs here at The Daily Show, but comedy isn't just about jokes," Noah deadpanned. "It's also about being polite and respecting authority." He broke character for a moment — "Michelle roasted these people so hard they wanted police protection? Like, 'Why isn't the Secret Service jumping in front of those jokes?'" — but then snapped back. "It's not funny, because Michelle should have had the decency not to comment on women's appearances in any way, shape, or form. She's a comedian, for God's sake, not the president."
Noah played some clips of Trump insulting multiple women, and White House aides excusing Trump's insults as jokes, then, to mockingly show that "comedians should be held to a higher standard" than Trump, he pretended to fire Wolf, four months after she left The Daily Show.
On Late Night, Meyers thanked Trump for bringing up his own 2011 WHCD roast and didn't disagree with Trump's attacks. "Michelle Wolf doesn't need anyone to defend her, but she is our friend, so just know when you call her filthy, you are right: She is filthy and she is mean," he said. "Those are wonderful qualities for comedians and terrible qualities for free-world leaders." Wolf "uses every part of the First Amendment," Meyers said, wagging a finger at disapproving journalists, but as her friend, "I can't stress this enough: Michelle is so mean. I was her boss and she made the meanest jokes about me all the time. She's been gone for two years, but I still jump when I see a redhead on the street." Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump called into Fox & Friends on Thursday morning, and "this interview was insane," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "It was rambling; it was so loud, it sounded like he was shouting the whole time." Colbert joked his way through the interview, from Trump's birthday present for Melania to his musings on Michael Cohen's business, how he definitely didn't collude with Russia (just ask Vladimir Putin), his threat to maybe fire Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and his complaints about NBC and CNN while insisting "he doesn't watch the thing he spends every waking moment complaining about."
"Neither Fox nor Friend could get in a word edgewise," Colbert said. "The whole time this is going on, the curvy couchlings just sat there stunned, mouths slacked, glassy-eyed, wondering what to do. And we at The Late Show have obtained exclusive recordings of the Fox & Friends' inner monologues while they listened to Donald Trump unravel."
"After 30 minutes, the hosts gently reminded the president that he has a job," Colbert laughed. "But in their defense, the Fox & Friends had to rush the leader of the free world off the phone to get to their actual next news segment, 'Buck's famous scrambled eggs!' The secret ingredient is: changing the subject."
While Trump was on Fox & Friends, White House physician Ronny Jackson withdrew his nomination for VA secretary. Colbert wasn't shocked. "Today we learned that his on-the-job alcohol use was so routine that there was a standing order to leave rum and Diet Coke in Dr. Jackson's hotel room on official travel," he said. "Oh, he's not just drinking — he's freshman-spring-break-in-Cancun drinking." Jackson denied all this, saying he's bowing out because his nomination had become "a distraction for this president." "To be fair," Colbert said, "jangly keys are a distraction for this president."
The Late Show also had a brief reaction to EPA chief Scott Pruitt's congressional testimony. Watch below. Peter Weber