"We know that diplomacy isn't President Trump's 'thing,'" Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show, but neither, apparently, is geography or the concept of time zones. That means, according to a former National Security Council official, Trump wants to call world leaders at all hours, not grasping that noon in Washington is 1 a.m. in Tokyo. And when he finally learned that Bhutan and Nepal were the "stuff" between India and China, "Trump referred to Bhutan as 'button' and mispronounced Nepal as 'nipple,'" Colbert said, laughing. "Then, word is, he then touched the map without its consent."
Trump looks at these mistakes as just doing things his way, according to one aide. "But it is important that the most powerful man in the world knows what countries are in that world," Colbert said, "so tonight we're here to help." He brought out a world map and tried to rename the world in a way he thought Trump might remember. And he didn't even have to change the name Djibouti. Watch below. Peter Weber
Monday night's Late Show began by imagining Tuesday's summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un as a boxing match.
"Tensions are high, and the United States is on the precipice of unthinkable international conflict — and that's with Canada," Stephen Colbert said. "Our relations have not been this bad with Canada since they stole the word 'bacon' — Canadian bacon is just round ham, you monsters."
"If you're one of those nerds out there who values the Western alliance that has safeguarded democracy for 70 years, it was a tough weekend for you," Colbert said, running down what happened at the G7 summit in Canada. After the summit, Trump "basically broke up with NATO via tweet," he explained. German Chancellor "Angela Merkel called his actions 'sobering and somewhat depressing.' Well, I'll join you with 'depressing,' but while Trump is president, you're on your own with sober." Trump sent off some angry tweets about Canada's Justin Trudeau, and his economic advisers one-upped him, with Peter Navarro saying there's a "special place in hell" for Canada's leader. "Yes, Canadian hell," Colbert agreed, "where Bud Light is on tap, they never play Gordon Lightfoot, and you have to choose between Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. It's torture!"
"So, Canada's our enemy now," Colbert sighed. "And what makes this even crazier is that while he's slapping around our allies, Trump is stroking our enemies," notably Russia. He elaborated.
Colbert circled back to the Trump-Kim summit, roasting Trump for his self-proclaimed "my touch, my feel" form of diplomacy and laughing at the report that Kim brought his own toilet with him to Singapore to safeguard his feces. "So what the hell is going on with Trump's foreign policy?" he asked. The Atlantic asked several Trump officials, and one reply stood out: "We're America, bitch!" Colbert wasn't convinced: "Huh, that's weird, because it really looks like we're Russia's bitch." Watch below. Peter Weber
"America's relationship with insane Teletubby Kim Jong Un has never been better," Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "In fact, things have been looking so optimistic that President Trump is even getting some awards buzz." He laughed at Trump's "fake humility" over the Nobel Peace Prize scuttlebutt but not Trump's obvious joy. "Have you ever seen Donald Trump this genuinely happy before?" he asked. "He looks happier than Ben Carson in a mattress store."
But then North Korea threatened to cancel June's Kim-Trump summit, "which is such a drag for President Trump," Noah said. "This is the one thing that he was going to do right. Now they're screwing him so hard it's going to cost him $130,000." Still, North Korea has some seemingly legitimate reasons, like National Security Adviser John Bolton saying North Korea should emulate the "Libya model" of denuclearization. "What kind of moron uses what the U.S. did in Libya as a sales pitch to another dictator?" Noah asked. "'Kim Jong Un, here's our opening offer: You, shot in the head on the side of the road. Hello?'"
At The Opposition, Jordan Klepper was outraged. "What kind of maniac suddenly walks away from a nuclear deal for no specific reason, just because he can?" he asked, pointing at Kim and Trump. "This chubby, egomaniacal tyrant cannot be trusted, and everybody in American knows who I'm talking about right now, with his dumb hair and his bad English." Besides, "all Bolton suggested is that Libya was a good role model for North Korea," he said. "It's an easy path to follow: Libya gave up its nuclear program, and pretty soon their country was in ruins and their leader was captured and killed by his own people. What's not to like, Kim?"
Like Noah, Klepper was worried about Trump: "What's this going to do to his upcoming campaign to win the Nobel Peace Prize?" Watch below. Peter Weber
"After years of saying he will do it, he did it," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. President Trump announced he's withdrawing the U.S. from the Iran nuclear deal, claiming he always keeps his promises. "What are you talking about?" Colbert asked. "You literally just backed out of an American promise!"
"Nobody wants Iran to have nuclear weapons — that's what the treaty was supposed to stop," Colbert said, but Trump is apparently upset the deal sunsets. "So with these restrictions, Iran could possibly, eventually develop a nuke, and the solution is to lift the restrictions so they can start immediately? ... It's like saying, 'Well, Billy, this hamster is eventually going to die in a couple years, so we might as well flush Mr. Fluffers don't the toilet now.'"
In explaining why he's scrapping the Iran deal, Trump "raises some good points, except for the fact that they're all bulls--t," Trevor Noah said on The Daily Show. "Yeah it is true that the deal didn't address every single problem with Iran, but it did address the main problem, nuclear weapons. You can't get rid of the entire thing because it didn't fix everything. It's like saying, 'This detergent got the stains out of my shirt but it didn't save my crumbling marriage!'"
"This could lead to a horrible, destabilizing war, and even worse, we'll pay slightly more for gas," Noah deadpanned. "So that means when you're trying to flee the nuclear apocalypse, you'll have to look at your gas tank the whole time." And to hit home why this is so terrible for "America's credibility," he had a certain famous deal artist explain what happens to your reputation when you blow off deals.
Iran's president had a similar take, in The Late Show's imagined response: "In the past, we have called America 'The Great Satan,' but even Satan keeps his deals. Just ask Charlie Daniels." Watch below. Peter Weber