On Tuesday, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee held hearings on whether to curtail a president's unchecked power to launch a nuclear strike. Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) insisted this has nothing to do with President Trump, specifically, but come on, Trevor Noah said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "That dude has the impulse control of the first kid to die in the Wonka factory tour. That's why they're having these meetings. And if you're looking for some reassurance about President Augustus Gloop, there is some good news," namely that Trump can't launch nuclear missiles by accidentally leaning on a button.
Still, to launch a nuclear strike, Trump only has to open up the nuclear briefcase, or "football," and punch in the codes. "I'm not one of those people who just talks, I'm about action," Noah said. "That's why during my lunch break, I decided to custom-build something — I decided to build this nuclear briefcase, just for the president," so Trump can't launch the nukes "without working hard." The last step is practically foolproof, but the Eric Trump one is pretty mean. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah proposes a new Oscars category after Louis C.K. joins the list of alleged Hollywood perverts
Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show that he thought Facebook's proposal that you upload nude photos of yourself was "the most pervy story of the day, and then Louis C.K. said, 'Hold my penis.'" He was referring to the accounts of five women in The New York Times about C.K. masturbating in front of them or requesting to do so — allegations that prompted HBO to pull all of C.K.'s programs from their roster and axing him from an upcoming telecast.
"Like, at this point, we're going to need a new Oscar category this year: Best Actor Whose Movies We Can't Watch Anymore," Noah said. "And in fact, now that I think about it, all women in Hollywood should win double Oscars for acting like all the men were cool all along." The tsunami of sexual misconduct allegations after Harvey Weinstein's fall has gotten so big, he added, "it's getting to the point where whenever I see a beloved celebrity's name trending on Twitter, I'm like, 'Please tell me they're dead.'" Watch below. Peter Weber
There was a lot of news over the weekend from Saudi Arabia, "which is basically America's kooky rich uncle who occasionally beheads people," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. But "the biggest story by far is the heir to the throne, Prince Mohammed bin Salman, who has been arresting most of the other princes, a sheik-ton of them," he added, and the Saudis have "more princes than a Minneapolis Halloween party." The Saudi government is calling this a crackdown on corruption, but Noah wasn't buying it. "They're Saudi princes," he said. "What do you mean, corruption? They already have all the money."
Noah isn't alone in his suspicion that this is a brazen purge by the crown prince to consolidate power, but President Trump isn't perturbed. "Of course Trump loves this," Noah said. "Locking up political rivals is Trump's wet dream." He said Trump may not have endorsed the arrests, but the timing of Jared Kushner's visit to Saudi Arabia, right before the crackdown, was suspicious, given that Kushner and Mohammed bin Salman are friendly and reportedly stayed up to 4 a.m. talking — or in Noah's imagination, singing a modified tune from Disney's Aladdin.
This being Saudi Arabia, the situation is more complicated, and the crown prince is also a reformer, Noah said. "Sidelining the old guard could let him diversify the economy and expand women's rights. So the kingdom might become more autocratic but it also might become more free," a paradox he explored with an aside on monogamy. He ended with an unsympathetic look about the conditions the 11 detained princes are being held in. Watch below. Peter Weber
A day after an Uzbek immigrant in a truck killed eight people on a bike path in lower Manhattan, President Trump immediately pushed to scrap the Diversity Visa Lottery program. On Wednesday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah noted that Trump had reacted to last month's mass shooting in Las Vegas by saying it was too soon to talk about policies to prevent similar attacks going forward, a trick he said Trump learned from watching Fox News. He illustrated his point with a montage of Fox News characters slamming the immediate politicization of Las Vegas and then immediately politicizing the New York attack.
"Clearly for Fox, you can politicize things — as long as it's not guns," Noah said. "It's as simple as that. I bet they wouldn't even talk about guns in a game of Clue. 'It was Colonel Mustard in the study with the... you know what? It doesn't really matter.'" But then Noah veered in an unexpected direction. "Look, here's my opinion: I don't think 'politicize' needs to be a dirty word," he said. "I think tragedies like what happened in Vegas and New York City should be politicized — yeah, I said it — because politics is how society works to solve problems."
But there are bad ways to politicize, Noah said, pointing to Trump's immigration pivot. "By the way, the Diversity Visa Lottery that Donald Trump has always been against, and obviously just learned about today, it wasn't some brown-people charity scheme," he said. "In fact, it was an attempt to get more Irish immigrants into America." So sure, let's talk about the Diversity Visa Lottery, but "let's not be hypocrites," he said. Because a month after Las Vegas, Congress and the White House have done nothing at all about bump stocks or other gun measures. Watch below. Peter Weber
On Wednesday's Daily Show, Trevor Noah and guest Hillary Clinton discussed the ongoing Russian incursion into American democracy, the Steele dossier on President Trump's Russian connections, and, as Noah put it to Clinton, "Why won't you just go away?"
Clinton noted that, as social media giants are telling Congress, "Russian trolls and bots and agents are still fomenting discord and conflict within our country. That is classic propaganda, and the Russians are really good at it." Cyber-warfare "is a form of war, and we've never had an adversary who attacked us with so few consequences," she said. "And I think that's, in large measure, because the president is so ambivalent. I mean, he has to know — we'll find out what he knew and how involved he was — but he had to know that people were making outreach to Russians, to the highest levels of the Kremlin, in order to help him, to hurt me, but more importantly to sow this divisiveness."
Noah asked about the Steele dossier, which Clinton's campaign helped finance, and she said "of course" there's a difference between her campaign paying for legal opposition research and Trump's team possibly working with Russia to influence the election, and "I think most serious people understand that." She noted that the dossier's allegations did not come out during the election, but said the public had a right to know that the FBI had been investigating the Trump campaign's Russian connections for months before the election.
As for the pointed questions about why she's still talking in public, Clinton chalked them up to some combination of "rank sexism," "media guilt," and "people who are genuinely worried that, you know, we've got to make room for new voices." She said she's speaking in part to promote new voices, adding: "I'm not going anywhere. I walked in the woods, that was enough. I'm done with that, I'm back." Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah chuckles over how Sean Hannity and Chuck Grassley handled the Trump campaign indictments
Monday's arrest of President Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort and his deputy, Rick Gates, was huge news, and it posed an uncomfortable dilemma for Republican leaders and opinion-makers, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show: "Do you defend Trump and risk your integrity, or defend the rule of law and risk angering Donald Trump?" Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) choose Option C: exit through a row of American flags.
Not every Republican "could escape the room like Sneaky Chuck over here, but they did find different ways of dealing with the Mueller indictment," Noah said. Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, for example, went on Fox News and essentially blamed the FBI "for letting them hire Paul Manafort." But "Sean Hannity held a master class in how to flip the script," Noah said, showing a slice of his Hillary Clinton-blaming monologue. "Damn, Sean Hannity, look at you, you middle aged white tiger." Instead of debunking Hannity's arguments, he put them in a different context. "I feel like that's the closest Sean Hannity will ever come to a rap battle," Noah said. "For real! Just give that man a hoodie and a parking garage, and he's going viral." And you can watch that below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah began his Daily Show recap of indictment Monday with the idea that Special Counsel Robert Mueller should open every interrogation by declaring "it's Mueller Time," an opinion Mueller would certainly disregard. Noah started with the headline news, the indictment of President Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort, finding the silver lining for Manafort. "At least it happened before Halloween, because now he can change his costume to 'sexy convict,'" he said, with photo.
"After Manafort turned himself in this morning, he pled not guilty to all charges — which means, now we could get to see him in court," Noah said. "And I pray to God that he has to testify, because we already know from the campaign that he is the world's worst liar." The Trump White House quickly distanced itself from Manafort, and they're right that none of the Manafort indictments relate directly to the Trump campaign, Noah said, but "I don't know if they're willfully ignoring it or completely oblivious to what's going on here. What happened this morning wasn't just a 12-count indictment. It was Bob Mueller signaling that he's not just going after collusion, people. He'll take you down for any crime, including pre-campaign financial crimes — a.k.a., Donald Trump's career."
So that's bad news for Trump, but then two hours later, it emerged that Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos had pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI about "trying to connect the Trump campaign with Russian government officials who had 'dirt' on Hillary," Noah said. "So now the story is back to Trump-Russia collusion." He imagined a vaguely homoerotic aborted champagne ceremony between Trump and Vice President Mike Pence, then ended where he began, Mueller Time. Watch below. Peter Weber
America has a serious opioid problem, and it began with doctors freely prescribing pain medicine that drugmakers swore wasn't addictive but actually was, Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. He noted the case of tiny Kermit, West Virginia, where drug distributors shipped a huge amount of oxycodone. "Nine million pills for 400 people?" he marveled. "Even if one of those people is Charlie Sheen, that still leaves 8 million pills unaccounted for." In response, the pharmaceutical industry bought the right to write a law shutting down a DEA enforcement mechanism to stop such suspect shipments.
"So the opioid crisis is huge and the pharmaceutical industry isn't really interested in helping," Noah said. "But fortunately my friends, as we saw in August, there's one man who gets it." President Trump promised 10 weeks ago he'd declare the opioid crisis a national emergency, which could have been a big step, and on Thursday, "Trump finally came through — give him a round of applause, don't be haters," Noah told his audience. "He declared the opioid crisis a national public health emergency — which I just realized is not a thing."
It may seems like an insignificant word change, but there's a major difference between a national emergency and a public heath emergency, Noah explained — the former, which Trump promised to sign, has access to $23 billion, while the latter gives opioid crisis fighters access to a fund with $57,000. "That's a huge difference," he said. "Put it this way: If you had to go to rehab, who would you want funding it, the CEO of Verizon, or Craig who works at Verizon?" He sighed. "This isn't even one of those days where I'm angry at Trump, I'm just disappointed," Noah said, offering a darkly hilarious comparison between what he promised and what he delivered. Watch below. Peter Weber