March 21, 2018

President Trump went to New Hampshire on Monday to roll out his plan to fight the opioid crisis, and he couldn't quite agree with himself on whether America was ready for his proposal to kill drug dealers, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. "One of my favorite things about Trump is that he has inner monologues out loud — it's like America elected Gollum as president."

Sill, killing drug dealers won't solve America's opioid crisis, Noah said. "Do you also kill doctors who overprescribe painkillers? Do you kill family members who buy opioids for their addicted loved ones?" And Trump's vintage '80s idea of making "very, very bad commercials" to scare teens from taking drugs only makes sense if you are Trump. "I mean, if the president of the United States believes everything he sees on TV, then why wouldn't teenagers?" he asked, noting that they don't.

"I believe that the president sincerely wants to keep young people away from drugs, which is why here at The Daily Show, we've decided to help," Noah said. "What Trump needs is a way to make drugs seem really uncool for young people — and for once I believe he's the right man for the job."

Trump's plan is more than just commercials and executing drug dealers — historically, it also involves cutting funding for drug treatment, prevention, and research, Jordan Klepper noted at The Opposition. "You see, drug addiction is so tragic that usually, Trump can't bear to think about, let alone address it!"

Besides, "we shouldn't give Trump all the credit here: He actually crowdsourced this 'kill drug dealers' idea from some of his newest friends," Klepper said. "Trump visited the Philippines, and they do not have a drug problem there at all. They also don't have a journalist problem, or a due process problem, or a 'not getting murdered in your sleep by state police' problem." Watch below. Peter Weber

March 7, 2018

President Trump's chief economic adviser, Gary Cohn, quit on Tuesday, "so I think at this point the White House staff is just John Kelly and a fax machine that Jared isn't allowed to use," Trevor Noah joked on Tuesday's Daily Show. "Forget the White House, if an Applebee's lost this many people, I'd think twice about eating there." But while you can run from Trump, you can't hide. If you've ever worked for Trump, Special Counsel Robert Mueller "is a daytime horror movie," Noah said. "He's methodically picking off your friends one-by-one, but only from 9 to 5."

Mueller's latest victim is former Trump campaign aide Sam Nunberg, "who was so freaked out when he got a subpoena from Mueller that he went on national television and lost his goddamned mind," Noah said. Nunberg dared Mueller to arrest him, decided to "tell everyone that he was not a snitch, and then he started snitching." Noah noted that in Trump's world it's the men, not the women, who snitch, but "even for a Trump associate, Nunberg's appearances were extremely erratic." He showed ample proof.

Sam Nunberg did not melt down, Jordan Klepper protested at The Opposition. "The MSM doesn't get it, but they never do: Our guys don't melt down, they melt up, like a space candle. Even Fox missed the mark." Nunberg "wasn't 'possibly drunk,' he was definitely drunk," Klepper said, and he wasn't a "bit player" in Trump's campaign. "Sam Nunberg's a genius," he said. "Sure, Trump gets all the credit, but when the history books are written, and then they're burned and rewritten by the winners, Sam Nunberg is going to have his own chapter. You see, Sam Nunberg is the architect of America First, the maestro of MAGA — he's way too smart to do anything dumb. Which means yesterday's media blitz must have been a genius tactical move." You can watch Klepper piece that together below. Peter Weber

March 6, 2018

President Trump seems determined to impose steep tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, despite strong objections from his own party and warnings from economists that the move will cost American consumers and America jobs, Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "White Ben Carson" Wilbur Ross, Trump's commerce secretary, argues unpersuasively that the price hikes won't be too bad for consumers, but the move seems likely to spark a trade war.

"See, it starts at steel and aluminum and now we're up to whisky and jeans," Noah said. "And honestly, I think the European Union is going about this the wrong way. You're not hurting Trump by threatening Jim Beam and Levi's," given that he's a teetotaler who doesn't wear jeans. "You'd think Trump getting all these bad Yelp reviews on his tariff idea would make him think twice," he added, "but jokes on you — he doesn't think once."

Trump said he looks forward to a trade war, claiming the U.S. would win handily, but "the truth is, trade wars aren't easy to win," Noah said. "In fact, already a study has shown that even before a trade war, Trump's tariffs by themselves could cost Americans 146,000 jobs." Trump isn't totally wrong about the problem — "China is dumping steel into the U.S. and it is hurting American steel companies," he explained — but while "his solution will cause even bigger problems," Trump is president, and this is "ultimately his call," Noah said. "So even if it's bad policy, America could be headed for a trade war. Which, to be honest, of all the wars we thought Trump could get us into — I mean, nuclear war, race war — a trade war is, like, the least bad option." He imagined how this would all look in Call of Duty, and there is some NSFW language. Watch below. Peter Weber

February 28, 2018

The 2018 midterms "are shaping up to be dramatic," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show, unofficially kicking off the late-night 2018 election coverage. "Because with Trump's low approval numbers, the Democrats have the momentum going into November — yeah, the same way Hillary had the momentum going into November." Rather than riding out the blue wave, several Republicans have opted to retire, he added, "so this campaign season has more empty seats than a birthday dinner for Harvey Weinstein."

But the cast of characters is filled with familiar names and faces — Mitt Romney, for example, "is definitely going to win" the Senate race in Utah, Noah said. "The dude's got resting senator face, look at him." Other candidates have last names you will recognize, like Levi Sanders, a Bernie Sanders progeny and "clone" running for a House seat in New Hampshire, and then there are some people who are running "just for the fame," Noah said, pointing to former Fox News contributor and Clueless actress Stacey Dash, a newly minted candidate for a House seat in Southern California.

"She's running as a Republican in Compton and Watts," neighborhoods "so black they make Wakanda look like a Panera," Noah laughed. Even though this is clearly a publicity stunt, or maybe an audition for Celebrity Big Brother, "running to become more famous actually works," he added. "The only time it didn't work was when Donald Trump did it but then he won by accident. Yeah, he's that bad or that good, I can't tell which one it is. The point is that we'd better pray that Vladimir Putin isn't a big fan of Clueless." Watch below. Peter Weber

February 23, 2018

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) entered the lion's den Wednesday night, attending a CNN town hall on school shootings. "Rubio tried his best to explain his positions, but you could tell he was totally out of sync with the rest of the room," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show, playing Rubio getting cheers for saying you'd have to ban every semiautomatic rifle in America to make an assault weapons ban work. "That was such an epic fail — Rubio said the solution like it was the problem," Noah said. Town halls are usually a dud, but "these kids held Rubio's feet to the fire so hard that they got him to do something that most conservatives hate: evolve."

President Trump didn't attend the town hall, "but he did host his own listening session in the Mar-a-Lago of the north, the White House," Noah said, armed with a note card that reminded him "what emotions to feel," notably, empathy. "I feel bad for Donald Trump," he said. "Because you know that we never would have seen that note if he just had bigger hands." Then he laughed: "Seriously, the guy's a 'stable genius' but he can't remember to say 'I hear you'? It's a listening session!"

On Thursday, Trump proposed paying teachers "bonuses" to carry guns in class. "America really is a special place," Noah said. "For years, teachers have been asking for more pay and politicians have said they don't have enough money, but now the president's, like, 'If you're willing to cap some fools, we're gonna make it rain.'" He sighed: "There are so many practical issues with this plan that I don't even know where to begin, but honestly, it's not even worth going through them all. Because once you decide that Ms. Flenderson needs to be locked and loaded during English class, you're not trying to solve the problem anymore, you're admitting defeat." Watch below. Peter Weber

February 9, 2018

Sometimes you just have to shake your head. Trevor Noah began Thursday's Daily Show with Department of Homeland Security's cybersecurity chief Jeanette Manfra's recent acknowledgment that "an exceptionally small number" of states had their voting systems "successfully penetrated" by the Russian government in 2016. "She delivered that line like it was supposed to sound comforting" he said. "It's like a doctor saying, 'Good news, Brian, you have an exceptionally small number of tumors in your brain.'" The only thing more worrisome, he said, is Secretary of State Rex Tillerson's "wimpy" and "mind-boggling" shrug that the Russians are going to hack, so get used to it.

Noah turned to Rob Porter, the White House staff secretary who resigned Wednesday amid accusations he abused his two ex-wives. "You know, every time I think I've reached the highest level of disgust for this administration, I'm right, but then they invent another level," he said. "I miss the days when White House staffers got fired for fun stuff — you know, Spicey couldn't talk, the Mooch couldn't shut up, Steve Bannon couldn't shower."

But in this case, Noah said, "not only did the White House have a domestic abuser in its midst, a lot of the people there, especially Chief of Staff and alleged 'adult in the room' John Kelly, just ignored it for months. And with the job Porter had, there's no reason that they couldn't get somebody else. ... You oversee every piece of paper that lands on Trump's desk? You mean, this desk? Oh, tough job: Trump's desk is balder than his head." Seriously, he added, "if your job is to bring reading materials to a guy who doesn't read, then that's not much of a job. It's like being Kevin Spacey's agent." Watch below. Peter Weber

January 26, 2018

"From almost the beginning of the investigation, Republicans have tried to find any way to discredit Special Counsel Robert Mueller," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show, and their latest fixation is a series of unkind text messages between two FBI officials formerly on Mueller's team. "I kind of get what Republicans are saying," Noah said. "If someone thinks Trump is an idiot, you don't want that person investigating him. On the other hand, if you don't think Trump's an idiot, then you're the idiot. Like, we don't want an idiot in charge of an investigation, we'll find him eating the evidence."

But since "even Republicans think that Trump is an idiot," they've moved on to new texts, including one mentioning a "secret society." "The FBI has a secret society — that they call the secret society?" Noah asked. "That's really sinister — and a little obvious. I mean, calling your secret society 'the secret society' is a weird way to keep a secret. That would be like if Batman's real name was Bruce Batman." Seriously, he added, "if you're in a secret society that controls the world you'd give it a boring name, like World Economic Forum, and you'd hold meetings in a Swiss mountain resort like a super-villain."

There's one part of the story that "does seem a little suspicious," he said, pointing to five months of (previously) missing text messages. "So you may want to dismiss this whole FBI conspiracy as Republican fan fiction, but for a change, maybe we should look at it from their point of view," he said, putting on spooky lights and music, then giving up. "Look, people, we all know what's happening here," he said. "Republicans are just trying to discredit the FBI and the Justice Department as much as possible so that when Robert Mueller comes out with his findings, you'll see them in a different light." Watch below. Peter Weber

January 24, 2018

Everybody can claim a win from the short government shutdown over the weekend, Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. Democrats got six years of CHIP funding, "campaign ads for the midterms," and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's suspect pinky-promise to hold a vote on legislation to protect DREAMers, he said, while Republicans got Democrats to back down with just a flimsy promise and also snuck in $30 billion in additional tax cuts. The only ones who demonstrably didn't win were the DREAMers, the focus of the whole shutdown.

"They came away from the shutdown worse than before," Noah said. Before this "became about winning and losing," Republicans at least said they believe DACA recipients deserve to stay in the U.S., he showed, "but once the shutdown became about scoring political points, suddenly Republican leaders turned these people from 'DREAMers to 'illegals.'" Democrats, meanwhile, have repeatedly and disingenuously "promised the DREAMers more than they can deliver," he noted, because they don't have any power in Washington.

"And this is what sucks for DREAMers about this whole situation," Noah said. "You're six weeks away from being deported to a country you've never known, and now the only thing that stands between you and an answer is a man with more broken promises than chins." Watch that — plus Noah's impersonation of McConnell the Player and explanation for why Kermit the Frog is clearly a Republican — below. Peter Weber

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