The Daily Showdown
November 7, 2019

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) "has shot to the top of the polls thanks to her support among college graduates, Hispanic voters, and kids who ate lunch with their English teachers in middle school," Trevor Noah joked on Wednesday's Daily Show. "But there is one demographic who hears Elizabeth Warren and immediately s--ts their Armani suits. ... Yes, Wall Street bankers are more terrified of Elizabeth Warren than they are of a surprise gust of wind. 'Oh no, my cocaine! Waaah!'"

"It's not surprising that the people of Wall Street are afraid, because Elizabeth Warren has proposed some of the most progressive financial policies in years," Noah said. "Things like breaking up the big banks, increasing taxes on the ultra-wealthy, and making it easier for normal people to join the Illuminati — that's like a big thing." At the same time, "it's kind of hard to take the Wall Street crowd seriously," he said, because "this isn't the first time they've predicted the end of the world. ... Yes, for both Trump and Obama, analysts claimed that the stock market would tank. But do you know what actually happened? The exact opposite. It's been going up for 10 years."

"But according to these billionaires, they aren't just anti-Warren because she's threatening their wallet — no, they don't like her because she's also hurting their feelings," Noah said, showing one hedge fund manager brought to tears. "You're a billionaire who's crying because Elizabeth Warren is criticizing billionaires? Would you like a tissue?" After mocking their grief, he showed a trailer for a Warren-themed Wall Street horror movie. Watch below. Peter Weber

September 17, 2019

Over the weekend, The New York Times reported a new allegations of sexual misconduct against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh from his college days, plus revelations about how the previously reported allegations were effectively ignored. "Every high school story or every college story we hear about Brett Kavanaugh just makes him seem worse and worse," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "And it's always something about him exposing himself."

"This story is messy," Noah said. "And what makes it messy is that the woman this allegedly happened to says she doesn't remember any of this happening. But the guy who says he saw it says that she was so drunk at the time he's not surprised that she can't remember it. And we may never know for sure what happened that night, especially since the FBI never even investigated it — which may seem a surprise to some people, but according to The New York Times, the FBI didn't look into a lot of the accusations against Kavanaugh."

"The FBI ignored 25 former Yale students who could have given evidence?" Noah said. "That's insane — because I didn't know the police also ignored white people. ... Now, in the FBI's defense, the reason they didn't interview these potential witnesses was because the White House reportedly told the FBI than when it came to Kavanaugh and the accusations, they were only allowed to interview 11 specific people and no one else. Which is not something you do when you're confident of someone's innocence."

"As has become normal in the age of Trump, reactions to this story have become as partisan as everything else is right now," Noah said, and there's no prize for guessing which side Trump landed on in the Kavanaugh imbroglio. "The Justice Department should come to his rescue? What? I feel like Trump doesn't really understand how the government works." Watch below for some safe-for-work theories on Kavanaugh's alleged proclivity for exposing himself at parties. Peter Weber

September 16, 2019

Fox Business host Lou Dobbs, an enthusiastic supporter of President Trump, went a little over the top last week after a visit to the White House. The Daily Show didn't have to do much to point out how, um, uncomfortably effusive Dobbs was in his praise for Trump, just superimpose his face onto state TV in cult-of-personality North Korea.

The optimistic ranking of Trump's presidency is what it is — fanboys are gonna gush. And to be fair, when Dobbs claims "there's sunshine beaming throughout the place, and on almost every face," he's talking about the White House in early September. But either every tell-all account of life in the Trump White House is wrong, or Dobbs is spreading, you know, fake news. He ... reported, you can decide? Peter Weber

August 15, 2019

Trevor Noah has a theory about President Trump and his wife, first lady Melania Trump, and he laid it out on Wednesday's Daily Show. "While her husband has struggled to get his approval rating over 40 percent, Melania has consistently remained the country's most popular Trump," he said. "And personally, I love her, too. Because we have so much in common: We're both immigrants, neither of us would be here if it weren't for Donald Trump, and — I'm just going to put it out there — we're both style icons."

But "in the wake of Trump's recent immigration crackdown, I've started to notice something that's got me really concerned: I think Donald Trump is trying to deport Melania," Noah said. Why would he do that? "I don't know, but things haven't exactly been perfect between them," he said, laying out his evidence. "And I know it sounds crazy — Donald Trump wants to deport his wife? But if you look at all of Trump's immigration policies, a lot of people think that he just hates immigrants, but when you put them all together, you start to notice a pattern: All of his policies seem to be aimed at his wife!"

Noah laid out a compelling case that Trump's signature policies would have hammered his wife, and if you're not convinced he wants to deport Melania, "how do you explain the new policy his administration announced this week, huh?" he asked. "That immigrants who receive assistance from the government may not be allowed to stay in the United States. Well, guess who lives in a free house provided by the United States? Melania [censored] Trump!"

"I see what you're doing, Donald, I see what you're doing and I'm not going to let it happen!" Noah said, promoting the hashtag #dontdeportmelania. "Because if this great immigrant is forced to leave this country, then the United States can never be best." Watch below. Peter Weber

August 14, 2019

Even President Trump has acknowledged the rising threat of white supremacy, but "there is one person who still isn't convinced: Fox New anchor and concerned face drawn on a balloon Tucker Carlson," Trevor Noah said on Tuesday's Daily Show. He didn't find Carlson's "hoax" argument persuasive: "White supremacists aren't a threat because they can only fill a college football stadium? My man, those stadiums hold 100,000 people."

"Tucker Carlson only gives white terrorists this pass," Noah noted. "After 9/11, he wasn't like: 'Al Qaeda? Please! What was it, like 19 people? ... Call me when they can sell out a Knicks game.'" He showed some other "threats" Carlson has touted on his show, like feminist scientists and the metric system. But "soft-pedaling white supremacy" apparently cost Carlson three big advertisers, Noah said, "and something tells me his bosses at Fox News didn't like what he said, because the very next day," he announced a surprise fishing vacation.

Maybe the timing was just a coincidence, "but it does seem to happen a lot over at Fox," Noah said. "Almost everyone on Fox has had to go on a surprise vacation after saying something controversial, but there's one vacation on Fox that is the greatest of all time." He assumed a mafioso voice to discuss Bill O'Reilly's never-ending holiday: "Yeah, let's just say O'Reilly's gonna be goin' on a permanent vacation. I'm Chris Cuomo, thanks for watching CNN."

CNN hasn't sent Cuomo on vacation after he threatened a guy who called him "Fredo," Noah said, showing video of the incident. "Cuomo was clearly pissed off because he feels like when this guy called him 'Fredo,' it's a negative Italian stereotype. What's funny to me, though, was that his reaction that he chose also seemed like a negative Italian stereotype." Some people are saying "Fredo" is "a reference to the dumb brother in The Godfather," Noah said, "but some are also saying it's an ethnic slur. In fact, Cuomo himself claimed it's like calling an Italian person 'the N-word.' So to find out if that's true, we're joined by Roy Wood Jr." It was a very short bit. Watch below. Peter Weber

August 9, 2019

"Historically, rich people have hosted fundraisers in America for political candidates ... and it didn't garner much attention, but in the age of Trump, all of that has changed — as one billionaire just found out," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. That billionaire, Stephen Ross, is hosting one of two high-dollar fundraisers for President Trump in the Hamptons on Friday, collectively expected to raise $10 million for Trump's campaign and the Republican National Committee. Ross owns the parent company of SoulCycle and Equinox, and the generally liberal clientele of those two luxury fitness brands is generally not happy.

"There are growing calls for people to boycott Equinox and Soul Cycle — and to all those people canceling their memberships I say: good luck," Noah said. "Have you ever tried to get out of a gym membership? It is impossible." Ross "released a statement defending himself, but I'll be honest, I think it only made things worse," he added. "Basically, what he's saying is that he supports the business side of Donald Trump but he doesn't support the racism side of Donald Trump. But you realize if you actually listen, you analyze what he's saying, what he's actually saying without realizing it is that he can afford to support Trump's business side because Trump's racism side doesn't affect him."

Liberal Equinox and SoulCycle patrons "are torn, but many people say if this happens, they're out," Noah said. "And you know what? I'm joining them. In fact, I haven't gone to the gym in the last three months, in preparation for this moment." This imbroglio doesn't answer "the unending question: Should you support a business if some people in that business back a politician you don't like?" he added. But for those fleeing the brands, Jaboukie Young-White had some more "woke" alternatives. Watch below. Peter Weber

June 12, 2019

Last week, a Russian destroyer nearly rammed into a U.S. warship on the high seas. Where would Russia get the nerve "to play chicken against America in the Pacific?" Trevor Noah asked on Tuesday's Daily Show. "Well, maybe it's because they have a new and powerful BFF." While President Trump was meeting with allies in Europe, Russian President Vladimir Putin was hosting Chinese President Xi Jinping, and they got really friendly.

"That's right, Xi and Putin have gotten so close they're even taking boat rides together," Noah said. "And not just a normal boat ride — Putin even helped Xi re-create that scene from Titanic. It was like, 'Yeah, I'm king of the woooorld! No, really, China's taking over the woooorld!'" And Xi, significantly, gave Putin two pandas. "The point is, China and Russia are getting super close, and the consequences for America go beyond boat rides and cute bears," Noah said. China and Russia are "teaming up against the United States. I mean, America could probably handle China or Russia, but not both at the same time. Imagine if in Rocky IV, Ivan Drago was fighting and then Jackie Chan jumped in the ring to help. That would be the end of Rocky."

"Beyond geopolitics, the personal element of this bromance is probably something that's gonna bug Donald Trump," Noah said. "Because don't forget, he wants to be a part of this club — he loves those dudes. ... So to see his two besties make plans without him, that's gotta hurt. And I don't think he's dealing with his feelings in the most mature way." The clip he showed did look pretty bad, in context. "Wow, really Trump? He's going to put tariffs on China if Xi doesn't hang out with him? That is so childish," Noah said. "Xi Jinping won't have a play date? Tariffs!" He ended with some dubious relationship advice for Trump. Watch below. Peter Weber

June 7, 2019

You may think of Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) "as part of the coastal elites," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show, "but you may be surprised to find out she came from very humble roots" in Oklahoma. In fact, there's a lot you may not know about Warren, like that she taught special-needs kids before becoming a law professor, and she proposed to her husband back in the 1970s.

"And Elizabeth Warren wasn't just asking guys with great legs to marry her," Noah said. "While she taught at Harvard, she became one of the country's top experts on bankruptcy — and not in the Donald Trump kind of way. No, she knew the law so well that she would often be called to testify in front of Congress. And one of those hearings, from nearly 15 years ago, is pretty wild to watch now." This one pitted her against Joe Biden.

"That's one of the reasons people like Elizabeth Warren so much, because she's been fighting against the predatory practices of banks and credit card companies, and this was long before it was cool," Noah said. Warren was such a force on the issue that when her idea for a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau became reality, President Barack Obama wanted her to lead it — and Senate Republicans blocked her. So she ran for Senate, won, and "her popularity just kept on rising," Noah said.

"Now she's making waves in the 2020 race, and incredibly, she's managed to stand out in this crowded field thanks to her unique strategy of having a plan," Noah said, or rather, lots of plans. "So that's Elizabeth Warren: Third place in the race, lots of detailed ideas, and a long history to back them up. And look, we still have a long way to go until the primaries, but for right now it seems like, much like her husband, this campaign has legs." Watch below. Peter Weber

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