April 21, 2017

The marketing people at Starbucks have apparently decided that no publicity is bad publicity, judging by the product they rolled out Wednesday. "Starbucks has introduced a new drink called the Unicorn Frappuccino," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, "because the name Sugary Affront to God was taken." The colorful new concoction is made with pink powder, mango syrup, and a sour blue drizzle, and it changes color and flavor as you mix it around. It also seems tailor-made for mockery.

"This was Starbucks' attempt to take over social media, they say, with a drink that's made to be Instagrammed," Colbert said. "Well, I wanted to know how it actually tastes, so we went and got one." He brought it on stage. "Mmmm, oh, I wish I was dead," he said. "Tastes like I French kissed Tinkerbell." There was nothing wrong with kissing Tinkerbell, he assured everyone, though maybe that was the Frappuccino talking.

On Thursday's Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel called the drink an "abomination" and "the first Frappuccino that looks like a windbreaker from the '80s." But he did more than just spitball. "It's only available through April 23, or until someone dies from drinking it, whichever comes first," he said. "And if the Unicorn Frappuccino doesn't strike your fancy — and you would think it would — Starbucks has another new item designed specifically to suit our troubled time." After watching his fake Starbucks ad, a rainbow of fruit flavors may not sound so bad. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 19, 2017

"When I saw your Donald Trump for the first time," Stephen Colbert told Alec Baldwin on Tuesday's Late Show, "I think, like a lot of people, when I saw your Trump I went 'Oh, thank God — somebody has cracked that nut.' Do you like doing it?" Baldwin didn't really answer directly. "Well, it's amazing," he said. "It's kind of eerie, actually. More than anything I've ever done, people come up to me and say something on the streets," usually "thank you." His 3-year-old daughter keeps his ego in check, he assured Colbert.

"What's your hook-in?" Colbert asked. "Like, what's the thing that you have to do? Is it your face? Is it the hair? Is it the hands? Is it the voice?" Baldwin said it's the face, crediting the people at Saturday Night Live with helping him get into character, after soliciting his participation, which only happened because a movie fell through. "It's totally a caricature," he explained. "You know, you just pick a few things," like cocking an eyebrow and contorting your face "like you're trying to suck the chrome off the fender of a car." He demonstrated, to the delight of the audience.

"Now, Trump isn't your first sort of questionable president you have experience with," Colbert said. He brought out a letter Richard Nixon had written to Baldwin upon his loss for George Washington University student body president, and after both comedians trotted out their Nixon impersonations, Colbert asked Baldwin if he would run for office again. Baldwin said no. "Entertainers can be presidents now," Colbert reminded him, to no avail. "Trump, it's not going to swing back," Baldwin said. "It's not going to open the door for nontraditional candidates." The pattern is crazy, safe, crazy, safe, he said, so the next president will probably be a governor. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 18, 2017

Alex Jones, "the insane radio host, is in a custody battle right now, and so he's trying to prove that he's stable enough to care for children," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "Unfortunately for him, he works in front of a camera." He played an example. "Clips like that make Alex Jones seem less like a fit parent and more like a coked-out football coach in a police standoff," he said, apparently based on real-life experience. "But in a dramatic twist now, his lawyer is arguing that Alex Jones is 'playing a character' and is 'a performance artist.'"

"I'm not sure that helps," Colbert said. "Do we really want kids to be raised by performance artists? 'No dessert until you finish eating your flag. Then tell me what it meant.' Of course not everyone realizes he's playing a character," he noted, name-checking "the most famous Alex Jones supporter," President Trump. "Here's the deal: If Alex Jones really is a character, then President Trump got phished hard. This is worse than when George H.W. Bush gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to RoboCop."

For all the mockery, though, Colbert had some sympathy. "I, for one, I feel for Alex Jones," he said. "I mean, everybody knows that for many years, I played a satirical right-wing character." Then he threw a curveball: "This happened to me all the time when I played my right-wing character, talk-radio host Tuck Buckford." He showed a "clip," and showed off a pretty spot-on Alex Jones impersonation. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 12, 2017

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer had a very bad Tuesday, managing to mangle World War II history, Adolf Hitler's history with gassing innocent people, and Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad's name.

The inadvertent Holocaust revisionism and seeming downplaying of Hitler's crimes, on Passover no less, was by far the worst part of Spicer's Tuesday press briefing, and if you're wondering what was going through his head as he fumbled through his answers, Jimmy Kimmel gave it a crack on Tuesday night's Kimmel Live.

"Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary," Kimmel half-joked. Peter Weber

April 11, 2017

On Monday, United Airlines got a lot of (unwanted) free publicity for having Chicago aviation police forcibly drag a bloodied passenger off a flight to Louisville on Sunday because the airline had overbooked and needed four seats for United flight attendants. Jimmy Kimmel said he doesn't even understand overbooking. "I've been to like 100 games and stadiums with 50,000 seats — they never sell the same seat two times to one person," he said on Monday's Kimmel Live, "but for some reason, airlines cannot figure this out."

The whole episode, from the overbooking to the odd return of the bloody and disoriented passenger to the booing of the flight crew, was "terrible," Kimmel said, but maybe "the worst part of all of it" was the response from CEO Oscar Munoz, who apologized for "having to re-accommodate these customers." Re-accommodate? he asked. "Just like we re-accommodated El Chapo out of Mexico? That is such sanitized, say-nothing, take-no-responsibility corporate B.S. speak, I don't know how the guy who sent that tweet didn't vomit when he typed it out."

The whole debacle was easily preventable, too. "They almost certainly could have gotten volunteers by offering more money or travel vouchers," maybe $1,000 instead of $800, Kimmel said. "Or $100,000 — who cares? It's not the passenger's fault if you sold too many tickets on your plane; they bought tickets. Can you imagine this happening in any other industry? I mean, imagine if this happened at Applebees." He sketched out how that might go. "United didn't even admit they did anything wrong," Kimmel said. "In fact, if anything, they seem to be doubling down on this." That was the introduction for a hard-knuckled fake new United ad. Watch below. Peter Weber

April 6, 2017

Stephen Colbert kicked off Wednesday's Late Show with Bill O'Reilly's $13 million sexual harassment "pickle." Advertisers are bailing, but "today Donald Trump got his back," saying in an interview, "I don't think Bill did anything wrong,'" Colbert noted. "Mr. President, I want to remind you, you just declared April sexual assault awareness month. And there's two accusations of sexual assault I'm aware of: Bill O'Reilly's, and yours."

"Maybe you're not the perfect person to weigh in on this one," Colbert said, but Ivanka Trump, with her "enlightened approach to these issues," might do. Or not. He played the clip of Ivanka defining-down "complicit" on CBS This Morning. "Nope, that's not what complicit means," he said, breaking out a dictionary. "You can't just reverse the definition to make yourself sound better. That's like saying, 'If being a Nazi means fighting for civil rights, then yeah, I'm a huge Nazi.'"

Colbert finally got to the big news of the day. "We have a deeply divided nation," he said, "but today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi." He walked everyone through the defunct ad, which starts with a generic protest march. "So far, we don't know what has caused all of America's hot extras to take to the streets — but I'm guessing it's a protest for Attractive Lives Matter," Colbert said. Then one of the Kardashians leaves a photo shoot to join in. "Once Kendall Jenner has made the ultimate sacrifice of wiping off her lipstick, it's super fun — until the march meets the world's least-intimidating police force," he narrated. "They're also extremely attractive — watch out, Kendall, those unarmed cops might start stripping." He ended with a riff on the ad's tagline: "'Live — for now,' especially if you're Pepsi's marketing department, because I don't think you guys are going to be there for long."

At Late Night, Seth Meyers also panned the Pepsi ad, showing a much darker alternative ending.

But at The Daily Show, Trevor Noah is more understanding. "To be honest with you guys, I don't understand why Pepsi got hammered so hard," he said. "In fact, I think all brands need to become more woke." He provides some suggestions. You can watch below. Peter Weber

March 30, 2017

"Anybody here use the internet?" Stephen Colbert asked his audience at Wednesday's Late Show. "Might want to knock that off, because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history." The audience booed, and Colbert took the longer view. "This is what's wrong with Washington, D.C.," he said. "I guarantee you, there is not one person, not one voter of any political stripe anywhere in America, who asked for this. No one. No one in America stood up at a town hall said, 'Sir, I demand you let somebody else make money off my shameful desires!'"

"I can't believe they're publicly taking the side of big internet cable companies," Colbert said. "Taking the side of a cable company? The only thing less popular would be if they passed a bill allowing traffic jams to call you during dinner to give you gonorrhea." He played a clip of Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), who wrote the bill, gamely defending it as good for consumer privacy. "I know what's in her internet history," Colbert said: "'How to spout bullshit.'" Along with being able to sell your browser history, the bill makes it so ISPs also no longer have to protect customer information against hackers and thieves.

"At least Congress did something, that's refreshing," Colbert said. After their health-care dumpster fire last week, Republicans are returning with a "Plan B," and President Trump said Wednesday that passing the mysterious new bill will be super easy this time. "When he says stuff like that, it worries me. Just five days ago, just five days ago, the Republican Party exploded in a mist of blood and bone fragments," Colbert said. "He has the memory of a goldfish — maybe that's why he's the exact same color."

The Late Show also dabbled in a little fictional fair-play, imagining what you would find if you purchased the browsing history of congressional Republicans — then releasing it for all to see. (It's SFW). Watch below. Peter Weber

March 22, 2017

On Monday, Ivanka Trump's lawyer announced that President Trump's oldest daughter is getting her own office in the West Wing. "For real, Ivanka Trump will take a position in the White House, where she'll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live. "I guess her role is, she will be her father's eyes and ears at the White House. He doesn't need someone to be his eyes, he needs somebody to be his thumbs, so they can stop tweeting."

The installation of the first daughter is puzzling, Kimmel said. "I don't understand, most big companies won't let you bring your daughter in the office to sell Girl Scout cookies. Ivanka's getting a security clearance. I have a theory about it, though: Her office is on the second floor of the West Wing, not far from the Oval Office. I think, I suspect they put her there so somebody can run and grab her in case her father decides to nuke anything. She might be the only one he'll listen to, right?" Kimmel went on to joke about how Tiffany Trump is faring in the new regime, and played two clips of what Donald Trump — an avowed teetotaler — would sound like drunkenly talking about trade deals. Watch below. Peter Weber

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