This is why your 56-pack of paper towels and 25-pound jar of M&Ms is going to go up in price.
While waiting in the return line at the Costco in Santa Clarita, California, customer Scott Bentley noticed that instead of bringing back a faulty toaster or the wrong colored shirt, a woman at the front of the line was standing there with her giant old Christmas 2017 tree. "I can't make this stuff up," Bentley wrote on Facebook. He overheard the woman say she wanted to return the tree "because it [was] dead," and after the cashier asked her some questions, verified the dead tree was originally purchased at Costco, and shamed her "to a small degree," she got her money back.
Costco is known for having a lax return policy, so if you, too, have no shame, consider buying this 72-pound wheel of Kirkland Signature parmigiano reggiano, nibble on it until it's no longer edible, rent a truck, then haul it back to Costco and ask for a refund of $899.99, plus applicable tax. Catherine Garcia
Late Wednesday, The Washington Post reported that back in June 2016, House Republicans were discussing the hack of the Democratic National Committee (WikiLeaks had not yet begun to publish the stolen emails), and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy suggested that "the Russians hacked the DNC and got the opp [opposition] research that they had on Trump," and when House Speaker Paul Ryan asked who they "delivered" that information to, McCarthy replied: "There's two people, I think, Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump. Swear to God."
After the House GOP leaders denied that the conversation ever took place, The Washington Post said there was audio of the conversation, and McCarthy called the comments a "bad attempt at a joke," pointing to laughter in the room. But it turns out that Russian spies actually did try to recruit Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif.), one of Moscow's staunchest defenders and President Trump's loyalist allies in Washington, The New York Times reported Friday.
In a secure room, with Reps. Mike Rogers (R-Mich.) and C.A. Dutch Ruppersberger (D-Md.) present, FBI agents told Rohrabacher in 2012 that Russian agents were trying to recruit him as an "agent of influence," someone Moscow could use to steer policy, wittingly or not, former officials tell the Times, adding that the FBI did not think Rohrabacher was actively working with or accepting money from Russia. Rohrabacher said the FBI agents specifically warned him that a Russian Foreign Ministry official he met with in Moscow "had something to do with some kind of Russian intelligence" and "looked at me as someone who could be influenced." Ruppersberger recalls: "Mike and I reminded Dana that Russia is our adversary."
The meeting shows that "the FBI has taken seriously the possibility that Russian spies would target American politicians," The New York Times says. But while the FBI is trying to figure out any connections between Moscow and Trump's inner circle, House Republican leaders are poring over the Washington Post article to figure out who leaked their private conversation, worried that there are more leaks to come, reports Jonathan Swan at Axios. "The most widespread theory in House leadership is that the secret recorder and the leaker was Evan McMullin, who as a former leadership aide participated in the June 15 conversation and confirmed the private conversation to The Washington Post." There's no evidence that McMullin, who ran as an independent conservative presidential candidate in 2016, is the leaker. Peter Weber
A poem in honor of President-elect Donald Trump's inauguration has been published, and boy is it something. Titled "Pibroch of the Domhnall," the piece is inspired by Trump's Scottish ancestry ("Domhnall," the Scottish form of the name Donald, is pronounced like "TONE-all," the author notes). It was written by Joseph Charles MacKenzie, who is apparently an actual poet, though one who is not reportedly affiliated in any way with Trump's inauguration or transition.
You would be forgiven to mistake him for a satirist, though. Here is an actual stanza from the poem:
But for all his great wisdom, the braw gallant man
Is matched by his children, the handsome Trump clan,
And the flower of Europe, Melania the fair,
Adds a luster and grace with her long flowing hair.
May they flourish and prosper to form a great crowd
Around the good Domhnall, the best of MacLeod! [Classical Poets]
MacKenzie adds in his notes that "the refrains at the end of each stanza are to be recited by the Inaugural crowd," like some sort of medieval "long live the king!" "MacLeod" is a reference to Trump's mother, Mary Anne MacLeod. And while a Scottish lyric poem might seem strange to inaugurate an American president, Trump declared in 2008, after visiting the cottage where his mother grew up, that "I feel Scottish."
The poem also blasts President Obama as a "tyrant" that Trump has come down from his "tower" to defeat:
Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,
The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!
With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.
Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:
"Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!" [Classical Poets]
To read the poem, or print the text for a dramatic reading, go here.
Editor's note: A previous version of this article mischaracterized the purpose of the poem. It has since been corrected. We regret the error. Jeva Lange